Tongue-tied

I wrote a blog about a month ago that described being tongue-tied when I saw a beautiful girl. I never posted the blog, because my thoughts got all mangled in the writing. I got lost in the middle and I couldn’t find an end for it.

But I thought the beginning was pretty good. Here’s what I wrote in that unpublished blog:

When I was 17 I was intimidated by girls. I guess there was a good reason; after all, I was nerdy and inexperienced.

Now, at age 47 I expect better of myself; I may still be nerdy, but I’ve got 30 years of experience with girls under my belt, and three years of history here in the Land of Smiles.

About a month ago, just before things really blew up with my ex-girlfriend, she had stayed at my apartment overnight and was walking out with me in the morning. While we were waiting for the lift to arrive, a girl walked up who was beautiful. I don’t mean she was cute or pretty, I mean drop-dead gorgeous.

I didn’t really think I could chat her up with my ex-girlfriend standing there. I quietly cursed my ex for being with me, and promised myself that if I ever saw this girl again I’d definitely introduce myself.

This morning I went out of my apartment, turned the corner to catch the lift and there she was with her finger on the ‘down’ button. She looked at me, gave me a brief polite smile, and I stepped past her, and stood behind her waiting for the lift. I didn’t return her smile and I didn’t speak.

Now, I had everything on my side. She was alone with me. We had a minute or two together. She smiled first. The situation was simple and non threatening. All I had to do was talk. But I froze like a scared teenager. D’oh!

Standing behind her waiting for the lift gave me time to inspect her. She was as beautiful as I remembered, except now I notice she had a bit of the ‘chicken leg’ look rather than shapely calves, but I figured if she could overlook my age, my weight and my lack of hair, I’d be willing to forgive her skinny calves.

I noticed that she now had tinsel in her hair. That was new since a month ago.

Her clothes were a little ambiguous in terms of figuring out where she was going. Her outfit was sexy, but not overtly so. She could have worn it to school, to an office, or to work in a bar. It was a short dress over what looked like a hot body encased in another layer of clothes. Was she a bar girl going home after a ‘long time’ session with a customer? If so, it was the second time on this floor of this building.

I noticed she had a huge pocketbook… the kind that bar girls often carry because it’ll hold makeup, toothbrush, a spare shirt and a case of condoms and still have room left over for tips. I wondered again if she’d just finished a long time session. But plenty of office workers carry big purses too.

Then I looked at her hair. It was neat, but looked as though she may have brushed it with her fingers — another look I associate with bar girls. But like the dress and the bag, the clues were a bit ambiguous. I just wasn’t sure.

All of this took perhaps 5 seconds to consider. I still had the better part of two minutes to initiate a conversation and get the girl’s number. Easily do-able.

I thought about talking to her but stood there dumbly.

Finally we were in the lift. I drank in her presence, but still didn’t speak.

What went wrong with that blog was that I kept talking about that specific girl, and the blog lost its way. The punch line was that I never spoke to her. I watched her walk away and I’ve never seen her again.

Today I’d like to use that story about seeing that specific girl as the introduction to a simple idea: you never have to be nervous about talking to a Thai girl.

I was stupid to be intimidated about talking to this Thai beauty. As long as you don’t put her into a situation that might embarrass her publicly, you can always talk to a Thai girl without fear of being shut down.

What might be embarrassing to her?

Well, one situation might be approaching her in front of many strangers. The easiest example is to think about chatting a girl up on a crowded BTS train. She might well be shy to talk to you, and might shut you down simply because you’re in a crowd of strangers.

Another situation might take place at work or school if you are in a position of authority. If you are the girl’s boss or teacher she may find it awkward to blunt your approach. Thais have a very hierarchal society, and there could be very complex social (or ‘face’) issues involved if she is too friendly with you.

And then there’s the issue of language. This is Thailand, and while most young people have studied English, many of them are not confident to speak it. This is one more reason for long-term residents to learn a little Thai — it expands the horizons in terms of which girls you can talk to.

My Thai language skills are atrocious, but I have just enough to be able to introduce myself and make the kind of smalltalk necessary to meet a stranger — as long as the stranger is willing to be a little patient with me.

So, when is it not embarrassing for a girl?

Well, as long as the situation is relatively private. Unlike a crowded train, a sparsely populated train platform can be the ideal environment to say hello to an interesting girl. There’s nothing wrong with chatting while you’re waiting for the train. And you have the perfect introduction because you can start off by asking for help understanding the train system — how to use it and where to go. Thai people are famous for walking strangers to their destination rather than simply giving them directions, so this approach could end up with you having your first date right away as she takes you to the front door of the office building you are looking for.

The situation I described above — waiting for an elevator — is also a chance to make conversation in a non-threatening environment.

And while it may put a girl on the spot to approach her in front of strangers, the opposite is true if you see her with friends. When she has friends along, she can feel confident. So, you can chat a girl up if you see her eating chicken at McDonald’s with two girlfriends, or shopping for handbags at MBK.

You also don’t have to aim for bar girls, or girls who are very close to your own age (if you’re a bit older like me). Office workers, professionals, bartenders and construction workers are all approachable.

Unlike the west, where women have been taught to reject unsolicited approaches, Thai women from all sections of society are open and approachable.

(For that matter, so are the men…and I’m not talking about gay relationships here. Feel free to engage any Thai person, male or female, in conversation when the opportunity is there. They are outgoing and friendly, though they may be shy about speaking English. If they do speak English, they are usually thrilled to have the chance to practice. I’ve made lots of new friends here when circumstances have put me in contact with Thai men.)

How should you approach a Thai woman whom you don’t know? What should you say?

With Thai women there are usually only two rules:

1. Try to be lighthearted — make them smile or laugh if you can.

2. Don’t touch them — at least don’t touch them until you’ve been talking for a while. And if you finally do, be careful about where — a light touch on the forearm, not an arm around her waist. (This can change later, when you know them. I’m talking about the first time you approach her).

I sometimes see young women carrying English language books in their hands. Talk about the perfect opportunity to start a conversation! At least you know she wants to speak your language. Two weeks ago I saw a girl at Siam Station carrying a book called “Improving Your English”. I was standing next to her on the train platform and asked her “Is it working?” Her quizzical stare was my answer. “Your book,” I said, pointing “is it helping you improve your English?”

She smiled and started talking to me, and chatted with me for ten minutes on the train. In this case I came away empty, but she was a very pretty uni girl so it was a long shot. Hey! If you don’t play, you can’t win.

Don’t be afraid to compliment her. Unlike her farang sisters, a Thai girl actually welcomes compliments. If you tell her she has beautiful eyes and a great smile she is likely to do one of two things. If she thinks you are serious, she’ll probably lower her eyes, wai and say ‘thank you’. If she thinks you are not serious, she will laugh and accuse you of being bak wan (sweet – mouth). In any event, she’ll be pleased with your compliments.

Do try to be genuine. If you’re trying to chat her up, you obviously found her attractive for some reason — you wouldn’t be approaching a troll — so tell her honestly why you are interested in her. Thai girls actually don’t mind if you only want to talk to them because they’re beautiful… they are usually flattered.

Even Thai women who are educated, professional working women enjoy genuine compliments — they don’t have 40 years of equal rights movements and sexual harassment litigation to tell them that you shouldn’t talk to them that way.

What response can you expect?

Thais are gentle, relaxed and non-confrontational in most situations. As long as you are polite and amusing you can expect a very positive response from girls. If she’s not interested then she’ll politely keep you at a certain distance (both physically and in the conversation). For example, she might tell you her hometown, but be vague about where she lives now. She might tell you she’s an accountant, but somehow never manage to answer when you ask which company she works for. And when it comes time to get her phone number, she won’t be able to remember the number and her battery will be dead.

If she is interested, then you’ll get extra broad smiles and more complete answers, along with a lot of questions about you.

What won’t happen is that you won’t get shut down. Interested or not, the girl will almost certainly engage you in conversation if she speaks enough English or you speak enough Thai. In Thailand, strangers — even foreign strangers — aren’t viewed with suspicion and distrust.

The key is to be pleasant and polite. It also helps enormously if you are decently dressed, clean and well groomed. I remember Howard Stern, the radio shock-jock in the US, used to say that because he was tall, ugly and gawky he figured out that he had to have a ‘look’ so he adopted black clothes, long hair and sunglasses day & night as his thing. Smitty on the Big Mango blog talks about his tattoos, multiple piercings and dreadlocks, yet he is very popular with the Thai girls.

You don’t have to listen to Stickman and dress in polyester slacks and have you’re hair parted on the left, but whatever your look is, make sure your clothes are clean and in good repair, and that you are washed and you smell good. In general, Thai girls don’t like facial hair, but if facial hair is your look, just make sure you are well groomed.

If you are sweaty, smelly, unshaven, wearing dirty, old or torn clothes, or if you are loud, impolite or disrespectful then you may get very little response from the girl you are trying to talk to.

Keep the conversation light, and flowing. Make her laugh as much as you can; don’t be afraid to resort to silliness — it works with Thai girls.

At some point you’ll either want to invite her out or ask for her phone number. Inviting her out might be a bit threatening unless you’re smooth enough to pull it off. One way to make it more comfortable is to invite her and a friend to come out together.

But phone numbers are easy. And unlike girls back home, I’ve never heard of a Thai girl giving a fake phone number.

Thais can sometimes struggle with numbers in English. The best way to get the number right and avoid confusion is to hand her your phone and ask her to type her number in. After you save it, call her phone so that she has your number, then spell your name for her clearly.

Thai girls are possibly the most approachable girls in the world. They have no desire to embarrass you, or score points off of you. You may not win every time you try, but you’ll never be sorry you tried.

As George Hermann Ruth said, “I may strike out a lot, but nobody ever hit a home run who didn’t step up to the plate and swing the bat.”