Shades of Gray

In addition to writing my own blog, I read some others, and occasionally litter the internet with my comments on other people’s sites.

My favorite Thailand website is TheFARANGspeaks2Much, which I usually refer to as the Big Mango Blog.

I mentioned that Young Penfold wrote a blog a few days ago that was posted on the Big Mango Blog. There have been many comments on the blog and it has shaped a discussion that has been dynamic. I joined the fray and posted a few comments in the string, mainly aimed at winding people up a bit.

But some of the comments that I read today made me want to write a post (it turned out to be the 70th in the string) that was more heartfelt, and which had the goal of communicating how I really felt about the topic being discussed.

The topic on the table was triggered, I think, by the way Penfold ended his blog:

Point being – hell if I know but people always ask where are the normal girls – or what is a working girl or what is the difference between a girl who has never sold it or not? The line is really blurry around these parts but isn’t that the good part?

The comment string that followed is largely a discussion of the questions that Penfold posed. If you are interested in reading his post, and the lengthy string of comments that follows, you can click here for the link.

In any event, I thought I’d reprint the comment that I posted this morning on the Big Mango Blog here in my own blog. It fits neatly with my original theme, and the URL bargirlsrpeople2.

Okay, let me put the jokes aside for a minute and talk about what I really think.

Slapping labels on people is convenient, and in some situations even productive, but the pejorative connotations of words like ‘whore’ ‘hooker’ and ‘prostitute’ make it easy to ignore the humanity of the women we are talking about.

Smitty talks about ’shades of gray’ and ‘twilight’ and I acknowledge that this is all true. It can be true anywhere, but especially here in Thailand.

But honestly, all this talk about defining whether any particular girl is a good girl, a prostitute, or something in between bores me (go ahead Cheapo, I deserve it).

The fact is that they are people. People who are trying to get along in the world. Sometimes, part of getting along in the world means trading their bodies for what they want or need. Personally, I don’t have a problem with it at all.

I think where things come off the rails here in Thailand is that there is a huge cultural divide between Thais and Farang.

This may be too simple an explanation for such a complex topic, but here’s where my head is on this one…

In the world where I grew up, money and love don’t mix. Any connection between the two brands the person receiving the money as some kind of a whore and the person paying the money as either a customer or a sucker.

This is deeply ingrained, so that we (the white guys doing the paying) worry constantly about the connection. If it’s direct, she’s a hooker, making me a customer. If there is no link, then I can feel confident that we have a ‘relationship’.

And that’s important to me, because if I’m paying a hooker I feel like I’m in control. If I’m in a relationship, that’s cool too. But when I think I’m in a relationship, but I’m actually paying for it, then I’m a sucker.

The “gray area” is caused by the billions of situations where the link is indirect or uncertain. Then we get the “is she or isn’t she?” questions.

Thai people, on the other hand, grow up with the concept that love and money are inextricably intertwined. When you love someone you support them (and their family). Having a link between money and sex (or if you prefer, money and love) is *normal* even in very healthy relationships.

Thais, then, are puzzled about the apparent need for Chinese walls that we farang want to build to divide sex/love and money.

We farang are shocked to find Thai women rather openly expecting support (even if that support is simply taxi money) when they open their legs.

So we spend time and energy agonizing over the definition of a ‘hooker’, and we write blogs and comments and magazine articles aimed at defining when she is and when she isn’t. All so we can make sure we aren’t being played for a sucker.

It doesn’t really matter.

Here’s the real truth from my point of view:

No matter what her circumstances, the girl you are looking at is a human being filled with hopes, fears, goals, dreams and desires. Whether you sleep with her, pay her for sex, talk to her or walk right past her, you need to confront yourself with her humanity.

Personally, I know many women in Thailand, from modest school girls to business managers, to bar girls, to housewives. Like everyone in the world, they are all different. But you’ll find that even the most hardened bar girl can be reduced to tears over a misunderstanding, and that the life she has today was built by her based on her best idea about finding her way forward towards her dreams. And I doubt that her ultimate dream was to be a bar girl.

It seems a waste of time to worry about the definition of a hooker. I jokingly (twice) offered up the idea that all women are whores to make the point that — in the end — there’s no use carrying on these discussions, whether short or lengthy, about what makes a woman a hooker. It’s just a label, and one that has even less meaning in Thailand than it does back in my hometown.

My assertion that ‘all women are whores’ (including my mother) was intended to make the point that all women (in fact all people) are driven by their dreams. The point was not to make you think about your ex-wife or your mother as a whore, but to get you to think about the whore the same way you think about your mother; to think of every one of these women as someone living life the best way she can.

Is she a go go dancer? A service girl? An office worker? A model? An actress? A flight attendant? A cashier at 7-11?

It doesn’t matter. My attitude pre-dates my move to Thailand, but especially here there’s no reason to get all hung up on the question.

This entire discussion, in my view, is driven by men’s fear of being played for a sucker. My advice is to stop being so egocentric — it’s not worth worrying about.

Concern yourself with the girl’s humanity… with her hopes, dreams and fears (whether you know what they are or not isn’t the point… the point is to simply acknowledge that they exist) and you won’t worry about whether she’s sleeping with you because of your charm and prowess in bed, or because of the dinner and drinks, or because of the 2,000 baht you handed her at the end.

She will have her own reasons and that should be enough.

Relax. Enjoy yourself. It’s Thailand.

Mai pben rai.