A Night In The Life by the Bangkok Bad Boy

Friday night, although it included a couple of new venues for me, was really just another night in Bangkok. A pretty good one, but nothing spectacular. I was trying to describe it to a friend in the UK recently, and the difference between what we both considered “just another night” inspired me to actually write this one up.

Things got going at around 7pm, which is a fair bit earlier than usual. I was meeting a friend who I hadn’t seen in a while. We’ll call him Ernie. We didn’t have much of a plan, but we figured we’d meet for beers in the Big Mango. After a quick beer, and a couple of brief chats with a couple of fellow bloggers, we decide to wander down Soi 4 to Big Dogs or Lucky Luke’s to watch the world go by and figure out what we were going to do.

We wandered down Soi 4. Ernie realised that he’d never had a beer at the Golden, but he’d have to wait – it was packed, with nowhere to sit. On to Big Dogs, and it was the same situation. A pretty busy Friday night on Soi 4. Instead, we walked down to Morning Night, where I hadn’t been for ages.

Once there, I remembered why. This is a bloody awful bar. The music’s too loud for conversation, but we were thirsty, so had a couple of beers anyway. A plump and annoying girl sat down next to me and jabbed me in the ribs as I was in the middle of a sentence. I politely asked her to fuck off. She did so. An instant later, however, she was replaced by a clone. Who sat next to me and leaned her head on my shoulder without invitation. Please cease.

As if the bargirls weren’t sufficiently annoying, the farang clientele were frankly depressing. One had clearly styled himself upon Rod Stewart. But not the 1971 version. The 2008 version. Not good. Another was looking very pleased with himself in his vest and shorts, with long flowing beard. Yikes. Sure, this is Soi 4, but even still…

Another guy was dancing with a girl in a rather unstable manner. Soon enough, he toppled, taking a couple of chairs and the unfortunate girl with him. Wipeout. It wasn’t even 8pm yet.

We were joined by another pal, who I shall refer to as Bert. Bert’s got a membership at the Sky Club out in Sri Nakarin. He hasn’t been down there for a while, and neither Ernie nor I had ever been before. Sounded like a plan.

Bert had some business to take care of first though, and had to disappear. In between watching the staff clean the drinks, chairs, girl and idiot farang off the floor, we decided that Ernie and I would hit a couple of bars in Nana Plaza, then reconvene.

To Nana Plaza (Merely Directions – Not a Toast)

First up, a couple of cold ones at the little beer bar outside Rainbow 1. Then up to Rainbow 4. I hadn’t been physically manhandled by door girls nor spotted by any psychopathic former lays yet. Must be a record.

Couple of beers in the distinctly underwhelming Rainbow 4, and it just didn’t really feel like it was happening. The girls on stage looked fed up, and nothing really stood out. I guess they probably felt the same about the punters.

We drank up, and I introduced Ernie to DC-10. This place tends to split the punters. I’d call it a 99/1 split on the side of “this bar sucks ass”. I’m in the 1%, however. Yes, there’s not a single girl worth pulling in there, but it’s chilled out, comparitively cheap, and the music is pretty consistently great.

The DJ plays mostly old-school Brit punk/rock, with the odd recent tune thrown in – on Friday I heard The Jam, The Police and The Coral, to name a few. Probably not every reader’s cup of tea, but refreshingly different to the music-by-numbers dance tunes or the cheesy cock-rock played almost everywhere else. The staff are friendly without being pushy, and I like it a lot. Must be getting old.

Ernie wanted to hit Angelwitch next. I didn’t. Bert was incoming, having taken care of business, and in a hurry to get to Sky club. A quick flyer in Casanova (not my idea), the inevitable run-in with a psychopathic former lay – outside Angelwitch, of all places – and we were finally off to the Sukhumvit junction to try and get a taxi to Sri Nakarin.

Taxi?

I don’t know if any readers have ever tried to get a taxi from the corner of Soi 3 to Sri Nakarin at peak time on a Friday night. It’s not much fun. The first five cabs refused completely. So did the next five. And then, suddenly, majestically, squealing around the corner on two wheels like an extremely rickety saviour, came our salvation. A tuk-tuk.

We managed to haggle the driver down from 500 baht to 300 – only 100 each. Sure, still a rip-off, but it was the only way we were going to get there anytime soon. A quick pit stop at 7-11 – beers for me, suspiciously effeminate alcopops for Bert and Ernie,and we were away – roaring down Sukhumvit like a bat out of hell tuk-tuk out of lower Sukhumvit.

If you haven’t careered down Sukhumvit in a tuk-tuk, with a beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, wishing you had another hand to hold on with, and yet another to dissuade your pal from spraying pink Spy wine coolers into oncoming traffic, you haven’t lived.

Some time (and a toilet pit stop) later, we finally pulled up outside Sky club. Three farangs in a tuk-tuk, for whom sobriety was already a distant memory. Some more so than others. The door staff were delighted to see us, as you can imagine.

Once inside, the club itself was pretty impressive. A central stage was surrounded by tables topped with the ubiquitous whisky bottles, themselves surrounded by Thai men, plus at least one member of the nubile and rather lovely female staff.

On the girl front, they probably didn’t measure up to the staff of the better-known G-clubs such as Forte or The Pent, but they were certainly a cut above your average gogo girls. The main attraction, however, was the live band, with a succession of female singers who would appear in ever diminishing outfits.

Ever-diminishing, apparently, to the point where the last songs of the night tend to feature the singers clad only in pasties, g-strings and heels. A nice gimmick, since these aren’t run of the mill karaoke crooners, but pretty talented singers.

Sadly, we seemed to have arrived way too late to have much fun. All of the female staff were already sat with Asian customers, and we (the only farangs present) must have looked pretty lost, sat at a table all on our own.

A decision was made, and it was time to leave. Not before I spotted the smoking/pool room on the way to the Gents though. Three pool tables and an abundance of ashtrays. I’ll probably end up staying in there all night on my next trip. You can take the boy out of Northern England…

Anyway, eager for hotties, we grabbed a cab back into central Bangkok, and to RCA for a trip to Forte. It transpired that Ernie’s Thai pals were at Slim club, which is a very foolish place to be on a Friday night. Bert and I insisted that Forte was where we needed to be. A minor disagreement escalated into the most overblown, am-dram argument I have ever witnessed in a taxi cab. Thai language skills were ridiculed. Parentage was questioned. Bert and Ernie verbally kicked the crap out of each other. All in good spirit, of course. I knew that. I’m not sure the driver did. If the Thai taxi driver who ferried the three pissed-up farangs from Sri Nakarin to RCA last Friday is reading, sorry matey.

Forte Again

And so to RCA. We jumped out of the cab at the wrong (Rama 9) end, and walked past the string of nightclubs on the way to Forte. At some point, we lost Ernie. I guess the temptation of affluent Thai guys at Slim was too much for him.

Once Bert and I finally hit Forte, it was pretty packed. Full-on stage shows in progress, and a ton of hot chicks in cheerleader outfits. I like Forte. We managed to squeeze into a spot by the stage, and got started on the whiskey. And the girls. Bert’s regular squeeze was present, and a very lovely young lady she is too. Shots were consumed. Things got a little hazy.

The grand finale on stage was a pretty extravagant show featuring gold and silver painted girls, wearing a coat of paint and very little else. Boobies are good, kids. Bert was by now slurping whipped cream from his girl. I was getting drunk.

As an aside, whilst I do enjoy the grandeur of the better G-clubs, I just don’t have the patience to chase the girls. Guys with more time and deeper pockets than myself rave about bedding these taller, paler, smarter beauties, but for me that’s almost missing the point of Bangkok.

If I wanted to spend time and money wining and dining a (cute, to be fair) girl with an attitude, in order to try and seduce her into sleeping with me, I’d go back to England more often. I’ve got phone numbers from girls at Forte before, but when a girl would rather go shopping or clubbing than shagging, as they inevitably do, I tend to lose interest pretty quickly.

Maybe it’s just me. And perhaps in another year or two the challenge, or “the chase”, will appeal. For now, I still rather enjoy having it way too easy. We could tie this into Value for Money, I guess. Add your membership price (five figures) with the cost of keeping the girls entertained, and your bucks-per-bang figure starts to become ridiculous. For some, I guess it must be worth it. Would be interesting to hear from them.

Anyway, as 2am rolled around, and the lights came up on Forte, it was time to make a decision. Where to?

After Hours

The trouble with Bangkok’s after-hours meat market clubs is that there aren’t many of them. There are hundreds of places you can get a drink, but very few where it’s simple to pick up a freelancer.

I’ve been to The Tunnel (is it closed again?), Spice Club on Suk Soi 11, Spicy and Boss before, and they’re all decent venues for easy pickings. The trouble we had though, was that it was Friday night. Every man and his dog would be out looking to pick up. I don’t mind the competition – hey, it’s me – but I hate the overcrowding. I like to have a little breathing space, and hitting the popular clubs on a weekend pretty much guarantees I’m not going to have any. Bert concurred.

Fortunately, there was another option – a venue I hadn’t visited before, but which had been on my to-do list for some time, and now seemed like as good a time as any to check it out. Lucky Pub.

Generally known as an after-after-hours venue, this place goes until 8am. Most of my friends refer to it as the last-chance saloon. If all the other clubs have closed, and you still didn’t pick anyone up, this is the final throw of the dice. For this reason, we figured it would be fairly empty, and not a bad place to chill with a few beers, and see if any hot chicks came in.

300 baht entry, with one free drink. 200 baht a throw after that. Not particularly cheap, but not so bad. Inside, it was pretty empty. We grabbed a table, and waited. A couple of beers later, things were looking a little more promising. Partially because some more attractive girls had arrived. But mostly because I was by this point very drunk.

Another couple of beers later, I was smooching with what appeared to be a solid 8/10. Bert had been madly texting for half an hour or so, and seemed to have something lined up. He made his excuses and left me to it. A couple of beers later, it was time go take my trophy hooker back to Bad Boy Towers for fun and frolics.

Idiot Tax

What followed was very pleasant. No complaints. The next day, after an enthusiastic round two, and as she was getting ready to leave, I pulled out two thousand baht for her. Seems to be pretty standard for long-time these days, unless it’s a girl I already know, or have an arrangement with. Friday night I hadn’t even asked.

By this point, my head felt like there was a tiny man inside, making som tam out of my brain. So I wasn’t quite on top form with my Thai.

I was dimly aware that the girl, now a solid 6/10 in the cold light of day, was asking for money – so I handed over the 2k.

And one ohnosecond later, my brain finally got around to translating what she’d just said to me.

“ให้หนึ่งพันนะ?”.

“Hai neung phan, na?”.

“Give me a thousand, ok?”

She’d asked for one thousand. I’d given her two. Still, she earned it. And now I’m “jai dee”, right? Must be worth it…

I went back to bed. Just another Friday night out…