Back to Basics

When a major league hitter is in a batting slump — he just can’t seem to hit the ball — you do two things: work on his confidence and go back to basics of form and technique. If all else fails, he may even go back to the minor leagues for a short while to get himself back in form.

Since returning to Bangkok on Friday my form has been awful. He was drawing from a larger pool of stories but this is how Moonman described my life in a comment he left earlier today:

You’ve fallen into a pool of shit, got robbed by a freelancer, came close to scrapping with Hulk Hogen, lost your phone more often than a bargirl saying “hello sexy man”, lost your wallet in Tuk Tuks, airports and bathrooms, got groped by hard core kathoeys on the miracle mile, been harasses by hooligans on your Soi and nearly got mugged by some cretin on the overpass!

Not a bad 2008 huh?

I’ve had guys I don’t even know coming up to me in bars following the story about falling in a hole, patting me on the back and saying, “It can only get better”.

I’ve been getting emails from friends saying, “Sorry, I just got up off the floor from laughing after reading your story, and I wanted to say how sorry I am….”

I’d say that’s as close to a slump as a punter can get here in Bangkok so it was back to basics with me. On Tuesday the mission was simple: Get the pipes cleaned and get laid.

Don’t swing for the fences, just connect with the ball, try to get a base hit, and run out every grounder.

Well, it worked. I kept it simple and simple led to success.

First of all, it was pay day, so I went to the ATM and withdrew enough money to give me the confidence that I wouldn’t meet a girl I couldn’t buy (within reason of course).

Second, I groomed myself fully. I shaved, showered, put on deoderant, a nice shirt and my best slacks. I do this every day but I did it more slowly and carefully this time.

Third, I did the Bangkok equivalent of batting off a tee: I went straight to the blow job bar. Thank God for Star of Light in Patpong, and I will be everlastingly thankful for my favorite service provider Katai (Rabbit) who is always happy to hit her knees in the quest to give me what I need.

As I walked into Star of Light yesterday, Rabbit was just spitting out the mouthwash and collecting a tip from the previous customer. I don’t think she’d even had time to catch her breath. I asked if she was ready to go again. “Absolutely!” she beamed.

Well, it’d been 13 long and sometimes heartbreaking days since I’d last been with a naked lady, and it was obvious how horny I was once Rabbit started doing her stuff. My powerful pillar was more massive than I can ever remember, and she was working hard to keep it that way. Rabbit is one of the practitioners of “down the throat if she can” blow jobs, and she made several good efforts.

Unfortunately for her, I was in the mood to get the most out of the experience, so it took about 25 minutes of sucking, slurping, tickling, rubbing and moaning to coax me into coming. When I finally did, two weeks worth of future life exploded outwards, nearly knocking Rabbit on her back. “Wow, that was a lot!” she said as she emptied the contents discreetly into a dozen or so tissues. For once, I don’t think she was just saying it to make me feel better.

While Rabbit was working on me at the sofa, another guy was on the other one. A regular who was told he’d have to wait till one of us was done to get his said not to worry, he’d take his on the barstool. And he did. Apparently, from his high perch he was in a perfect position to observe Rabbit as she waxed my dolphin, and could see just how much effort and energy was required. When it was all over for me, and while he was still receiving service seated on his throne, he congratulated Rabbit on her effort. It was truly Olympian.

I didn’t stay to celebrate. I paid the 700 baht fee and tipped Rabbit 60 baht for her hard work and headed out the door while the other fellow was still being attended to.

I was considering just how I should go about getting between a pair of long lovely legs for the balance of the evening. Now that I had a good start on it, I wanted to finish the job.

Fortunately for me, the answer came in the form of an SMS from my favorite go go dancer. Thanks to the blog, I can often identify the exact time that I met certain girls. In the case of my favorite go go dancer, I met her at the end of September last year. I’d say she achieved her status as my favorite go go dancer about 2 weeks later when I barfined her for the second time.

For the past nine & half months this girl and I have enjoyed a good relationship. When I want or need a ’sure thing’ or when it’s a slow week at the bar and she wants some spending money, the phone rings and we make a date.

So I was very happy yesterday afternoon when an SMS arrived just after I finished eating my dinner. She wanted a night off from the bar — was I interested in taking her home?

Perfect timing… how to get laid 101.

I was actually near Nana Plaza considering my next move, so I simply sat down at the outdoor beer bar and waited for her to arrive. She must be really broke because she bought flowers and incense and spent more than a minute praying at the shrine in front of the Spirit House Bar in Nana.

When she was done, I gave her the barfine money. She went up and told the mamasan she wouldn’t be working, then came back to the bar where I was waiting for her. I paid my bill and we went back to my place in a taxi.

This girl is everything I enjoy in the bedroom. Uninhibited, but focused on acting like my girlfriend. Lots of deep, languorous French kissing. Slow tickles and foreplay. Music, cuddles and then relaxed sex. I’m no porn star and I don’t really need one. My athletic days are behind me, like Jaques Cousteau I like to dive deeply and frequently, and I don’t like to be hurried.

She always seems to enjoy the same. I did ask her once (not in a sensitive caring-guy way, but in a very manly way) if she enjoyed sex. Her reply was perfect: “I enjoy sex with you” she said.

Undoubtedly a stock bar girl answer, but when we finished our second round last night it was easy to believe it was true; her body was quivering from head to toe with electric shocks for minutes afterwards. He skin was flushed, her eyes were closed ad she was smiling sweetly.

She was clearly in awe of my sexual prowess.

Superman was in the building!

She stayed all night at my place. At 6 a.m. she woke me up saying “I’m hot”.

No, she wasn’t horny… the air conditioning and fan were both turned off. I spent thirty or forty seconds of confused cursing before I realized that nothing would come on because the electricity in the building was off.

I opened the balcony and propped the front door open to get some air in. I took a shower and about 15 minutes later the power returned. It might seem like this would have been a good time to demonstrate to her that my power had returned as well, but I knew she wanted to sleep.

I sat on the sofa with a book and tried to be quiet.

She couldn’t get back to sleep, so minutes later we agreed that she should go home and try to rest, since I had to go to work soon anyway.

We cuddled, kissed and coo-ed a little bit, just like real boyfriend and girlfriend. It’s a little play we go through whenever we are together. Some guys like nurse’s outfits or black leather, I like the girlfriend fantasy, what can I say?

I walked her to the cab, then headed for the train station to go to work.