Things I’d never done before

Following an unusual string of links between internet pages, I ended up on a year-old blog written by my good buddy Nick which started with this opening paragraph:

The other day I was taking the plastic off the Durex boxes I just bought before putting them in my little “sex paraphernalia” drawer next to my bed. I do this because taking the plastic off when in the moment can be a very awkward and deflating experience. I thought to myself “This is something I NEVER did when I lived in the US”. With that in mind I’m going to kick off this week’s “not-so” weekly Weekly with the “Top Ten Things I do in Bangkok that I NEVER did when I lived in the US”:

#10: Prep my Durex boxes
#9: Consider a 28 year old girl too old to mash daisies with
#8: Walk around town with a chronic chubby
#7: Provide relief funds for many sick buffaloes in Isaan
#6: Turn down 3-somes on a regular basis (and believe me, I’m no Brad Pitt)
#5: Get excited about the start of English Premier League Football (Ed note: he’s American)
#4: Blow off an Asian-American Pornstar because I can easily do better
#3: Relegate masturbation to a very rare occurrence
#2: After I get a BJ check to see if the person giving me the BJ has a penis
and the number one thing I NEVER did when I lived in the US:
#1: Pimp

What are some of the things you do here that you never do back home?

First of all, I thought this was pretty funny, but it also made me consider the final question about things I never did at home.

So I decided to try to compile my list. It’s not as interesting or intriguing as Nick’s, but it’s all my own.

** I’d never slept with two different girls on the same day before.

** I’d never slept with two different girls in the same bed at the same time before.

** I’d never seen a woman pull razor blades our of her pussy before (or any of the other 3 or 4 dozen ‘pussy tricks’ I’ve seen in the upstairs bars at Patpong)

** I’d never used Snake Brand Prickly Heat Powder.

** I’d never accidentally fallen in an open sewer.

** I’d never learned enough of a foreign language to be able to carry on a conversation.

** I’d never considered $3 for dinner “way too much” to pay.

** I’d never been on a motorcycle taxi.

** I’d never written a blog.

** I’d never lost a mobile phone.

** I’d never cleaned my ass with a pressurized water gun.

** I’d never shit in a squat toilet.

** I’d never ridden an intercity train or slept on a bed in a train.

** I’d never had someone working in a bar rack my pool balls for me (now I can’t imagine racking them for myself again)

** I’d never seen Muay Thai (KickBoxing)

** I’d never been to a blow job bar, and I certainly had never had my knob polished in public.

** I’d never said ‘NO’ to a woman who offered to have sex with me.

** I’d never met a guy with tits in a dress who offered to have sex with me.

** I’d never heard the song “Zombie“.

** I’d never heard the song, “Cotton Fields (back home)” performed live — much less on consecutive nights for several years.

** I’d never eaten Somtam or Palaa.

** I’d never said, “Fuck! another elephant on the sidewalk?!”

** I’d never had a “soapie” massage

** I’d never picked a girl out of a fishbowl by number before.

** I’d never gone out when it was 89 degrees Fahrenheit and thought, “Gee, it’s a brisk morning!”

** I’d never heard of a ‘barfine’, and I certainly had never paid one.

** I’d never paid the pawn shop to retrieve jewelry that I’d given to my girlfriend as a gift.

** I’d never wai‘d anyone before.

** I’d never witnessed a military coup first-hand.

** I’d never bought a pirated DVD before.

** I’d never seen Buddhist monks chanting in person.

** Like Nick, I’d never thought that a 28-year-old was “just too old”

** I’d never ordered food in a restaurant, gotten something different than I’d ordered and figured that it was easier to just eat it than to complain.

** I’d never eaten grasshoppers before.

** I’d never asked a pretty girl that I didn’t know to punch her phone number into my phone and expect her to actually do it.

** I’d never made a ‘border run‘. Hell, I’d never heard of a border run.

** I’d never slept in a bamboo house.

** I’d never had sex with a girl on a bare mattress, on a dirt floor, in a single room that she called home.

** I’d never said ‘no’ five times in five minutes to five different children who wanted to clean or shine my shoes.

** I’d never considered the words, “Mister, where you come from?” to be a legitimate conversation-starter.

** I’d never been called a ‘butterfly‘ before.

** I’d never spent three days hiding in my home for fear of being drenched with water and covered with white powder if I ventured outside.

** I’d never considered a parking lot to be a legitimate place to meet a woman.

** I’d never had a policeman ask me for a bribe.

** I’d never seen a man put his head inside a crocodile’s mouth.

** I’d never thought, “I’m really too tired to get laid tonight”.

** I’d never stayed in a hotel room where hot water was considered a premium service.

** I’d never ridden an elephant.

** I’d never actually seen someone plowing a field behind buffalo or oxen.

** I’d never worn tailor-made clothes or custom-made shoes.

** I’d never wondered if the girl walking towards me still had her cock attached.

** I’d never been close enough to touch Miss Universe before.

** I’d never had reserved seats at the cinema, or had to stand for the “King’s song” prior to the start of a movie.

** I’d never had to stand at attention in the middle of the morning commute to work while the national anthem was played.

** I’d never had a girl move into my apartment without my knowledge.

** I’d never told a girl who was living with me that she had to move out, and then have to wait 4 months for it to happen. Here in Bangkok it’s happened twice.

** I’d never fallen asleep on the stairs of a pub before

** I’d never woken up in the morning surprised to find a girl in my bed and wondering where I met her and if we had sex the night before. Here its a frequent occurrence.

** I’d never said “Me same-same you” with a straight face and expected to be taken seriously.

** I’d never had sex with a girl without knowing her name.

** I’d never had sex with a girl, knowing that the previous day she’d had sex with a friend of mine.

** I’d never had sex with a girl who’s vagina was filled with strawberry jam.

** I’d never hit my head on the top of the door frame walking into the bathroom.