having friends in bangkok

Anyone who has followed the blog and comments closely for the past year will probably know that one of the things that bugs me is when I talk about a night out with friends that doesn’t end with me getting laid and a reader says that the night was a “waste”.

I can only assume that these comments come from the standpoint of people who get a ten-day holiday here and any night spent alone in bed is wasted.

But I live here 365.25 days per year, and I consider myself to be fairly normal (in a Bangkok sort of way). Part of being normal is having friends, and the fact is that going out with friends for the night often ends with a trip home in the taxi alone. That doesn’t mean my night was wasted…

I spent a night out with friends. I enjoyed myself. Man is a social being.

Oddly, it’s often easier to arrange to get laid in Bangkok than to coordinate schedules and get a night out with friends, so I value the times when I can get together with mates.

I write Werewolf’s Lair to try to give a realistic picture of one man’s experience of living in Bangkok. Today feels like a good time to shed some light on what it means to have friends here in Bangkok.

My best friend

The Thai phrase for best friend is puen sanit. Probably my best farang friend here in Thailand is my pal, the Dude.

I have a simple test for who my best friend is; when I’m broke, my best friend is the guy I call to ask for a cash loan until payday. In this sense the Dude is, in part, a personal banker as well as a good friend.
I met him here in Thailand. We used to work together at my first job in Bangkok. In fact, it was the Dude who provided my initial ‘orientation’ and training. A year later I was his boss, but he never seemed to notice or care about that.

He’s that kind of guy. Totally laid back. Nothing ruffles his feathers.

I’ve been here a bit over three years. I believe the Dude has been here close to six years. When I first met him I somehow came to the conclusion that the Dude would be leaving Bangkok imminently. I think it was because he seemed so ‘normal’ and settled. I never saw him participate in the naughty nightlife. Sure, he’d go to the go go bars with me, but he always just seemed along for the ride.

When I’d known him only a few months he hooked up with a good Thai girl who had never heard of the pay for play scene and certainly wasn’t part of it. She had a job, a nice family, and she was a mature and settled 32 year old with a university education.

For two years they seemed to be the happy couple, then the strain started showing. About 8 weeks after the Dude started telling me that there were issues between them, he and his girl broke up.

That’s another way I know he’s my best friend; he tells me stuff and I tell him stuff. He knows about some of those dark gremlins from my life that trouble me; the things I don’t tell most people.

I trust him.

And I realize now that he’s probably here in Bangkok for the long haul. He bought his own condo last year, not long after making a trip back to the US to dispose of all the stuff in his storage space in the Midwest.

One of the difficult parts about living here is that there is a limited pool of foreigners to make friends with. The ones you meet in the P4P scene can be… well… strange. And in my life I don’t really hang with the guys with real jobs — the stockbrokers, auditors and managing directors who are here for their career rather than for the LBFMs.

I’m not saying that everyone you meet in a Bangkok bar is an idiot or a nutjob, but you have exercise a much higher level of discernment here than in most places I’ve been before. The population is definitely skewed towards the idiot and nutjob end of the spectrum.

The Dude, on the other hand, is completely normal. I can sit with him and chat about news headlines, sports and music for hours. Equally nice is the fact that we can sit in companionable silence without feeling like we have to invent conversation.

Another plus is that he doesn’t read blogs, including mine. Perhaps once a month he will open Werewolf’s Lair and read one or two entries, but in point of fact, he simply isn’t interested in reading about my life. He tells me that one of the ironic things for him is that he has a friend in California who reads this blog, then tells him about it on the phone. We’ll go out to dinner and I’ll tell him a story about something that happened last week and he’ll say, “I know, my buddy in Cali told me already.”

D’oh!!

We often go to dinner or out to the pub to listen to music, drink beer, shoot pool and chat, but the Dude is one of the few (only?) friends here in Thailand who has had me over to his house.

On a couple of occasions I’ve been over to visit. We’ve watched a DVD or a sports match, the Dude has heated up nachos in the oven and we’ve cracked a couple of beers. Once or twice we’ve killed a couple of hours just watching the Discovery Channel. We can hang out without talking, but we often have interesting conversations.

You’d be absolutely amazed how many men in Bangkok can sit for three hours and talk about only one thing: bar girls. I mean, I can talk about my latest barfine just like everyone can, but some guys simply can’t carry on a normal conversation in Bangkok.

I remember one day when I spent about four hours with a guy who was here holiday from overseas. After an hour or so of listening to him detail every detail of every girl he’d fucked in the past few days, and offering to set me up with some of them in case I couldn’t find my own, I tried changing the subject.

I mentioned Australian politics. “Y’know” he said, “I’ll bet the Aussie Prime Minister comes here go get fucked. I mean….” And he was off again.

Maybe sports. I mentioned Australia’s newest fast bowler in the cricket. “Speaking of fast” he grinned “you should have seen how fast the little freelancer was bouncing up and down on my….”

He literally had only one topic. It was sad.

The Dude, by contrast, is conversant on a wide variety of subjects. He never gets angry and he never says anything like, “Damn man, you should have seen the midget and the contortionist I had in my room last night.”

Out on the Town

For all that I like the Dude, he isn’t my first choice for a night out chasing the girls. First of all, he is almost never on the hunt, but more importantly, he always goes home early, and he’s not particularly adventurous. He likes to go to the same familiar places.

For a night of adventure my choice is easy. Any time I can arrange it I will go out with my buddy Kenny. Kenny’s always looking for a new area with a bar or club he hasn’t visited. He has the patience and personality to explore places where neither of us has ever been before. You don’t know whether you’re gonna find a gold mine or go bust, but Kenny’s always up for finding out.

And he’s better with bar girls than I am… he has an innate sense of what will make them laugh and have a good time. Kenny always brings sanuk along as part of the package. It makes hunting pussy much easier. Kenny’s smile, laughter and disarming charm make a great counterpoint to my unpleasant, glowering visage.

I always seem to do better when I go out with Kenny. I think that because the girls like him, they figure that if he’s friends with me, I must be okay too.

Unlike the Dude, who is completely laid back about everything, Kenny’s pleasant, but with an underlying philosophy that shapes his character. His philosophy includes the idea that he’s always right. In his work life he’s in a position where his authority is never challenged, and he doesn’t deal well with it when that changes and someone stands up to him.

It’s part of my philosophy too… not that Kenny’s always right, but that I am. You can imagine the conversation when we disagree.

Kenny doesn’t drink alcohol, so he’s always reasonable. But when I’m pissed and then we start to disagree I become unreasonable. That’s another reason why Kenny is one my favorite guy to go out with; he seems to forgive all my sins without ever demanding an apology. I can be an asshole when I’m sober, but I turn it up several notches when I’ve downed a few beers.

My Thai best friend

I have a surprisingly large number of Thai friends, but my best friend is a girl I met on my sixth day living in Thailand, which means that I’ve known her about three years. She has a lot in common with bar girls, but she isn’t a bar girl.

She grew up in Isaan and came to Bangkok about five years ago to earn money. Like the vast majority of Thai people, she didn’t enter the P4P scene.

She became a cashier at 7-11, working 6 days a week, and ten to twelve hours per day for 6,500 baht (~US$200) per month.

I met her when she was becoming disillusioned with this vain effort to improve her life. Without detailing her entire story, I can say she was sharing a bed in a small, poorly maintained room with her cousin, and trying to keep her personal spending below 80 baht per day.

Having just arrived from Australia I was slightly horrified. I ended up ‘adopting’ her. I treat her like a childless man might treat his favorite neice.

Shortly after I got to know her, I encouraged her to quit her job, put her into English school and gave her 8,000 baht per month as a salary for studying, giving her a year an a half to study. Fifteen months later she had learned English and gotten a decent job making about triple what she used to earn.

I have taken her on trips as a traveling companion. We went to Australia and Malaysia together. On my recent trip to Chiang Mai, she joined me.

She earned an IT certificate after high school, so she has a decent education and an understanding of computers. I helped her get a small portable computer, helped her to budget her money to build her savings, and loaned her enough money to set up house on her own earlier this year.

This sounds pretty one-way doesn’t it? It’s not.

I can afford to send some cash her way for important things. She helps me out in ways that she can. She often cleans my house, mends my clothes or translates for me. But it’s not what she does for me that matters… it’s who she is.

She’s a lovely girl, who is genuine and kind-hearted. She is what most bar girls could have been if things in their lives had gone differently.

But above all, she’s my friend.

We often call each other to run errands together. If I need to go to Siam to pay a bill, I might meet her at Asok station and we will ride the train together, then grab lunch and a beer and have a chat. On the way home we will go our separate ways again at the train station. If she goes to the store to buy a new fan or makes a trip to the doctor she will frequently invite me along.

We talk often. Her mother has been in poor health for two years or so, and she is often worried. She talks to me, and if I have any ideas about how her mom can be healthier I share them with her. When I have a hard day at work, this is the friend I am most likely to call. I’ll tell her about my day, then listen while she tells me about hers.

We don’t have sex. We’re actually friends. We hang out together, talk to each other and take care of each other.

If she ever finally finds the farang she’s always been looking for, gets married and moves to England then I’ll miss her, but I won’t be jealous – just sad to lose a good friend.

The blog

The blog has turned into an unusual and unexpected medium for making friends.

For example, I was introduced to Bangkok Bad Boy last year (while he was still writing his blog) by mutual friend who didn’t mention to either of us about BBBs site or this one.

In spite of this, I knew he was BBB and he knew I was Werewolf. We didn’t discuss it. I wrote on the blog the next day that I had met BBB the night before and he left a comment along the lines of “Really? Are you sure?”

In fact I was sure.

The common experience of blog-writing led us to be in communication via email a couple of times after that.

And then came an unusual night. I was in a bar with Young Penfold, whom I had only just met for the first time. He and I were actually discussing the BBB website, not realizing that BBB was in the same bar.

BBB spotted me and came to say hello. I made introductions with no reference to the internet personalities. When Penfold went to the toilet, I mentioned to 3B that this was one of his fans and asked if he wanted to be introduced as BBB. His answer?

“The only reader that I would be interested in meeting is Young Penfold”

You’re in luck, I said. That’s Penfold in the toilet.

Upon Penfold’s return, alter egos were revealed and it turned into a grand night of drinking. The three of us have done several bar crawls together since, and it’s always been an amusing night.

I met Onnutter, who has a journalism background, because he wanted to research an article and Smitty from the Big Mango referred him to me. We now keep in touch regularly, and while we don’t get out often, we probably manage about ten times per year.

There have been other connections as well.

Acquaintances or Friends?

Sometimes its tough to figure out whether someone is a friend or not. Let me give you an example that is typical of a lot of relationships I have here in Bangkok.

One — or more correctly, two — of my most puzzling friendships are with the owners of the Big Mango. Many people may assume that I know the boys from the internet, but the blogs have been incidental; we met the old fashioned way – in the bar.

I met Mike & Nick in the first week I lived in Bangkok. They had a new bar and I was new in town. I became one of the first regulars to the bar.

I liked both of them immediately and that opinion has never changed.

Early on it felt like a blossoming set of friendships; I went to lunch with Mike and on a couple of bar crawls with Nick, but along the way neither relationship developed the critical mass that you need to declare an actual friendship.

These days I am primarily a customer, and though I may get a bit more recognition than many people who go into their bars, I get less than others.

But I have a good relationship with them, and they have been generous with me in many ways. For example, last year I was trying to put together a business here in Bangkok. It never happened, but for a couple of months I was very serious about it. It was Mike and Nick I turned to for advice.

Mike, in particular, spent hours with me sharing ideas about potential pitfalls in Thailand, and the ways to avoid them. He offered free advice that he and Nick had paid for with hard experience.

Both Mike and Nick have always been generous and open with me (in fact they have both treated me like family at times) but I’d have to say that we are not-quite friends. It may have a lot to do with how busy both of them are, and how many demands are on them from so many directions.

But if you’re going to have to have two not-quite friends in Bangkok, these two guys are among the best.

Work Pals

In much the same way, I have some pals from work that really fall into the ‘acquaintance’ category as well.

In my work I spend a lot of time working autonomously. But I do have people I know from the workplace.
I avoid most of them away from work (because they seem like a strange lot), but there are a couple that I socialize with. Mostly we shoot pool together or grab the occasional beer.

I’m not sure why, but I don’t make many friends among the farang that I meet through my work. Even among the ones I do spend time with, I’d describe us as acquaintances more than friends. We’ll do things together, but we don’t really talk about meaningful things. It’s mostly lighthearted ‘chat’ at happy hour.

Other Thai friends

I’ve usually formed friendships with Thais through work… most of these began in my first job when I was teaching English in an adult language school. I made friends among the staff and even a few students.

There was a party on my last day working in that company and every Thai person working in my school tied a white string around my wrist, a way of saying they would miss me, of wishing me luck and inviting me to remember them. It was one of the most touching moments of my life.

Today I remain friends with many of the people who tied the knot on my wrist eighteen months ago.
And I have a few friendships that developed with students (it was an adult school, not for children). Some of these friendships date back two and a half years now. One of these students was at my birthday party earlier this year.

There are occasional friendships that form in other ways. For example, my ex-girlfriend was friends with four guys that played in a rock & roll band here in Bangkok and she introduced me to them. I used to go listen to them play – sometimes with my girl, sometimes on my own. I ended up talking to the guys in the band often. They showed me pictures of their wives and children and talking to me about their lives.
I won’t pretend to know these guys extremely well, but I’d trust any of them with my money or to watch my back if it came to it. They’re all good guys. When they see me around town they always make it a point to stop and talk to me.

And then there are people like Lek the freelancer, who was introduced to me by a mutual Thai friend. We have a casual relationship based primarily on bumping into each other occasionally at restaurants and bars in Sukhumvit and Silom, but I always enjoy myself when I spend time with her.

And the P4P girls

It may be hard to imagine or believe, but there are certain P4P girls who end up being friends. I don’t want to use up a lot of words on this idea… maybe it’s a separate blog someday… but it would be a mistake to think of the girls working the scene as soulless robots whose only mission in life is to extract money from the walking ATMs from farangland.

In truth, the girls are mostly kind-hearted young women who make difficult choices, and who end up heart broken again and again. They learn callousness, not from other bar girls, but from their customers. They may become soulless robots, but they don’t start out that way.

Occasionally I make a connection with a girl in the bars where we become friends. Usually this starts with me buying them drinks and chatting, then one day I need some help with something and I ask them. Tyically it’s a translation or something like that.

One thing leads to another and we start to understand each other more. We go to the movies, shopping or to listen to music. We chat and enjoy time together.

A few of my friends are current or former bar girls.

So?

So what does it mean? What am I talking about?

I’m not sure. I guess I want to point out that I have an array of friends, both Thai and Western. Like all people, my mates are a mix of close friends who will take care of me like a brother, to more casual acquaintances.

I think that, overall, it’s harder to develop meaningful friendships in Bangkok for a lot of reasons. When it comes to other foreigners, the pool of potential friends is somewhat limited when compared to other countries, and since I spend most of my night-times in the P4P venues I’m spending my time around some pretty strange dudes who often have pretty odd lives in an environment that isn’t conducive to developing a real friendship.

And with Thais the barriers include language and culture among other things.

But in spite of all this, I’ve managed to find a few good friends to share my life with. I think my situation is pretty typical of most westerners here. Most people here find a few people they rely on and spend time with, and a lot of other people to wave ‘hello’ to.

No longer domesticated

In America and Australia I spent a lot of my time with my friends having barbeques, working on the landscaping at the house, going to football games or the beach.

In Bangkok it’s almost always in the bar.

My friends — Thai and Western alike — don’t have wives or kids or families. I’m living far from the domesticated world that defined most of my adult life when I was busy washing the car, cleaning the pool or re-modeling the house on the weekends. I no longer spend time with friends savoring a nice bottle of Australian red wine and a plate of good New Zealand cheeses and fresh fruit.

My friendships have a completely different flavor here, and it tastes distinctly like beer.

I can’t imagine how anyone can get through life without good friends. I think finding and keeping those friends is just a little bit more difficult in Bangkok than the other places I’ve lived.